THE DEED IS DONE

I have now re-joined the Labour Party.

Normally I would have done it anonymously, online, but I wanted to speak to a real person. Secretly I wanted to hear the excitement in his or her voice, the incredible puppy-dog gratitude that someone would even think to return in this, Labour’s darkest hour. These days you can’t sneeze without being courted by some dubious telephone marketing hack. Recently I switched mobile phone users, and was rung by my old company, and spoken to in a way that reminded me of those pathetic calls I used to make in my 20s to all the girls who dumped me.
“Why have you left us?”
“It’s not you, G-Mobile, it’s me, I’ve changed.”
“But I can change. If you come back I’ll throw in a free phone.”
“It’s too late, I’ve signed the forms.”
“And cut your bill in half. Is there nothing I can do to win you back?”
“Stop it now you’re being pathetic.”

As it turned out the Labour party bloke was really nice, and either he was a brilliant actor or I genuinely was just one of many telephone callers re-joining the party. I tried to coax him into saying “Wow! I’ve been in this job nine months now and nothing like this has ever happened before!” but he assured me that my call was not unusual. I’ll be interested to know if a recording of the call, made, a computerised voice informed me, for training purposes, is now running on an endless loop at Labour HQ.

“We get a mixture of people joining, and regularly get people coming back.” He added: “Whatever your disagreements with the party, it’s important to return,” and I found it hard to disagree. I’d rung him up feeling all smug and pompous, and put the phone down, humbled.

So I’m back. No fanfares, or personal deliveries of bouquets, just a new direct debit to sit next to the one from the mobile phone company. Thirty six quid. I was offered the option of three pounds a month, but as an act of gracious magnanimity I went for the full year option.

So: should there be a leadership contest?

Let me get back to you on that one.