CAN I COME PLEASE

Continuing my attempt to do all things perverse:

Last month I joined the Labour Party. Now I want to go to my first ever Party Conference.

Forgive my naivety. Again. I reckoned
a) the way things are going for Labour at the moment, plus the way these things are horribly stage managed to stifle debate, not many people would be attending Conference this year. Therefore:
b) I'd have no problem booking myself a place.

Think again Dave. If Labour were as good at deterring illegal immigrants from coming to this country as they are at keeping members out of their annual conference, the Daily Mail would never complain again.

First, I was informed by the Members' website that I have not been a member (again) for long enough to entitle me to a pass. Fair enough. I could have been a non-Labour person (or a terrorist), joining just before conference in order to gatecrash the wake - sorry, party - and spy (or detonate).

Undeterred by this minor hitch, I contacted my Trade Union, the Writers' Guild of Great Britain, and asked if I could attend Conference as a Delegate. I've been pretty active in the union, and there's plenty to moan about to Labour. These days we're well vexed about BBC funding, the death of Childrens' TV, and the fact that most of ITV's comedy output is rubbish. (Sorry, last one is just from my own agenda).

They're happy for me to go on their behalf, and can write a letter to that effect. Trouble is, the deadline for Trade Union delegates is June, so whoever is in charge of issuing passes will have to study my application before deciding whether I can come or not. Enjoy your power while you can mate, I don't think we're going to have it for much longer.

Meantime I have been urged to also apply as a member, and ask that my lack of membership longevity be waived in this exceptional instance. (I wonder if that decision will be made by the same person who has the power to grant me a Delegates' Pass, and if so, will they be in touch with each other, or might one say 'no' and the other 'yes'? And people say Labour has lost its direction.)

Again, fair enough, although here I am in an office, trying to apply for a pass, and I am expected to have to hand my passport number, driving licence, and a signed photograph, all of which I am expected to plop through cyberspace this minute.

Comrades, I have been defeated temporarily. But I will be back, with my passport number, and my driving licence, and my National Insurance, and a signed photo, and a picture of my iris if necessary. La lutte continue...